Turn on the Accelerator in the Bedroom!
If you think you need to:
Have sex a certain number of days per week
Have an orgasm every time you’re intimate
Master a glossy magazine full of positions to keep it hot
…this article is going to be a game changer!
Author and sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski says, “The key to assessing your own sexual wellbeing is not how much you want sex, but how much you like the intimacy you are having. Pleasure is the measure.”
Let’s talk about how to accelerate your pleasure for both you and your partner.
What the research says
Research shows that couples with a strong physical connection have two things in common:
They are great friends to one another
They prioritize intimacy
Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that couples who are loving and affectionate outside of the bedroom have greater sexual satisfaction.
Did you know giving your partner compliments and affection can be a form of foreplay?
As we’ve learned with the other love skills, being curious and present during quality time, offering support, and practicing vulnerability can unleash your sex drives.
Psychologist and sexologist Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz studies “extraordinary lovers,” adults of all ages and types who have amazing sex. In her book Magnificent Sex, she makes clear that sex is not just for the young and beautiful. In fact, she’s found people in their mid-fifties who are having the best sex of their lives!
How do I have this magnificent sex?
Unlearn everything and overcome shame and guilt about your fantasies. Dr. Kleinplatz’s couples had to let go of what they’d learned about sex: the myths, stereotypes, and shame and guilt.
Know your accelerators. Learn what turns you on (accelerators). Watching a sexy scene in a movie? Slinky lingerie? Aphrodisiac foods? A romantic massage? For many people (especially women), laughing together, feeling appreciated, and spending quality time activates their accelerators.
Just as important, understand your brakes. What turns you off? Watching that sexy scene with your teenagers in the room? Your toddler walks in on you while you’re getting romantic? An old ratty t-shirt? Feeling criticized, judged, blamed, or disrespected shuts down the libido immediately. Many people who struggle with desire, arousal, or orgasm feel their brakes more than their accelerators.*
Buy some toys! Invest in sex books, toys, bedroom underwear and lingerie, and videos to warm you up and help you learn how to be a better lover. (Word to the wise: porn has completely unrealistic sex. As long as you know that, watch away!)
Fantasize. Sex educators and therapists Kimberly Huggins and Braithwaite suggest creating fantasy fiction. Spend 10 minutes free-writing about the type of sex you want. How do you want to feel before, during, and after? You can each do this exercise and share your writing—hearing your partner fantasize about making love to you is sure to level up your love life!
Although sex can change as we get older, you can be magnificent lovers at any age. Nurturing our friendship with our partner builds trust and primes you for intimacy. Fire up those engine accelerators!
*This is especially true for people who grew up in sexually shaming cultures or those who have experienced sexual harm. When arousal is linked with danger, sexual stimulation may remain a brake even after the danger has passed. Therapy with a trauma-informed therapist can help folks learn how to experience pleasure in a way that feels safe.
