Ash grew up in a boisterous family with two parents for therapists. When one person felt upset about something, everyone heard about it. Sometimes that involved shouting, hurt feelings, and tears, but when it was over, they laughed and hugged and moved onto the next activity.
Contrast that with Ash’s partner, Jaden, whose family rarely expressed hurt feelings directly. Instead, they told someone else in the family, hoping the information would be passed along. The triangulation meant things were rarely resolved. Instead of being resolved they were buried, and no one was accountable.
What the research says
Research tells us that our family patterns can affect us later in our romantic relationships. For example, Dr. Mengya Xia led a study in grad school to explore how interpersonal skills and family factors affect romantic relationships. The researchers concluded that family factors affected interpersonal skills.
“The family relationship is the first intimate relationship of your life, and you apply what you learn to later relationships,” Dr. Xia said. “It's also where you may learn how to constructively communicate—or perhaps the inverse, to yell and scream—when you have a disagreement.”
Key takeaways
Accept ownership. Relationships are a shared responsibility. When both partners are invested as co-owners of the relationship, the relationship has opportunity to grow and flourish.
Keep the emotional energy flowing. Love relationships are fuelled by emotional energy. The relationship is at risk when one or both partners withdraw their emotional investment in the relationship. The strongest relationships have conflict, mistakes, mishaps, and misgivings. It’s the way you handle them that makes the difference.
Early relationships set the tone but are not set in stone. Ash and Jaden learned different ways of dealing with conflict from their family relationships, but that doesn’t mean their relationship has to work the same way. Although our family upbringing influences how we behave, we can create stronger, more effective ways of handling conflict in positive ways.
Disagreements can be constructive. Conflicts can be a sign of investment and energy in the relationship. When both partners can take ownership for their roles in conflict and disconnection, their relationship will become stronger.
Consider your earlier relationships and how you handled conflict. Do you believe making an apology means there’s something wrong with you? Do you find yourself taking more than your share of the responsibility for the relationship, profusely offering apologies to quiet the tone and avoid conflict? Reflect on how you manage your conflict and accountability in your current relationship and discuss that with your partner.
A happy ending
Even though Ash and Jaden grew up handling conflict in very different ways, they have reflected on their different family patterns together. Now they do their best to bring forward grievances and make amends in constructive ways.
Ash gives Jaden space when he’s upset, and Jaden knows Ash can never go to bed without hashing things out. They openly discuss things when hurt feelings come up, and they are stronger for it. And they are forging new, healthier patterns to hand down to their children.
