Rekindle your curiosity, rekindle your love life
Sam and Kate felt like the fizz had gone out of their relationship. They went away for a weekend to rekindle their fire.
At dinner on Friday, they asked questions that often fall through the cracks. “How do you feel about this place in our lives?” “What do you love about our relationship?” “What do you wish were different?” “What would you like to happen in the next year?”
Taking the time to be curious not only strengthened their bond, but it also lit up their love life.
What the research says
Curiosity is closely tied to pleasure and anticipation. As cognitive neuroscientist Matthias Gruber explains, when we become curious, our brains release dopamine.
Curiosity fires up the same dopamine brain circuit that lights up when you eat amazing food or make love. The more curious you are, the better your love life!
A study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology explored this connection. Researchers found that people feel closer to others who are curious, and they also find them more attractive!
Key takeaways
Curiosity makes you more attractive!
· Spend time apart and have separate interests: This makes you an object of curiosity for your partner and gives you more to discuss.
· Be genuinely curious about your partner: Don’t dial it in. Ask questions about their thoughts, actions, and feelings.
Watch out for roadblocks
Don’t assume you know how your partner is doing. Dr. Robert Waldinger conducted a study in which he had couples watch videos of themselves arguing. When they asked each person what their partner was thinking during the argument, couples who had been together a long time did worse at guessing! They assumed they knew their partner’s feelings.
Ask questions without assuming you already know the answers.
Put it into practice!
Shoshin means “a beginner's mind.” Zen monk Shunryū Suzuki wrote, “If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything…In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few.”
