Online dating fail: you dress up for a night out and your date doesn’t ask you a single question about yourself. Don’t be that person, even if you’re in a long-term committed partnership. Failed Dater hasn’t learned that asking questions about others is the key to building intimate relationships. 

Jonathan Van Ness from “Queer Eye” fame hosts “Getting Curious,” a Netflix show that started out as a podcast. He interviews experts on subjects ranging from tear gas and cicadas to being an ex-nun. If you’ve ever watched “Queer Eye,” you’ll know Jonathan wins over anyone who is uncomfortable around him. He knows the secret: genuine interest and curiosity wins every time.  

What the research shows 

Researcher Todd Kashdan conducted a study to measure how important curiosity is in building relationships. Participants discussed increasingly intimate questions with research assistants. The research assistants reported they felt much closer to participants who were curious and engaged. 

In another study, Kashdan asked college students to have an intimate conversation or make small talk with students they hadn’t met before. Whether making small talk or discussing personal information, more curious students felt closer to each other than the less curious. Kashdan’s research suggests that being curious and asking questions fosters intimacy.  

Why it matters 

We are naturally drawn to people who want to know us better. If you want to be loved more by your partner, be curious about them! Your partner will feel much closer to you, the same way Kashdan’s research assistants felt about their interview subjects. Kashdan concluded that curiosity and interest are the secret juice of keeping a partnership healthy and vibrant in the long run.  

Getting curious and interested in others will not only help you in love…it will also strengthen your friendships and relationships with your kids. It will even help you be more successful at work! 

Putting it into practice  

So you’re no Jonathan Van Ness? That’s okay. Our.Love has tools that help you train yourself to be more curious and revitalize your intimate relationships. Here’s a simple assignment for the next week: 
 
The next time you have a quiet moment with your partner, ask them a question you haven’t asked in a while. Then pay close attention to their answer. 

It doesn’t have to be a serious question—it can even be silly like “who’s your favorite member of the Queer Eye Fab 5”?  

You’ll be training your mind to lead with a question, which is the essence of curiosity.  Keep steady eye contact and radiate as much kindness in your expression as possible.  

Have fun learning new things about your partner by getting curious!