Babies soak up interest and affection from their parents or siblings…or the family dog. As kids grow up, they crave attention when performing stunts on the playground or on the sports field. We grow up becoming hardwired to appreciate other people’s interest.
Curiosity fuels our connection with others. As we grow up, that need for people to be interested in us might lessen, but it’s still present.
When we first met our partner, curiosity set the wheels of discovery in motion. And when we continue to be curious about our partner, we deepen our understanding of ourselves and each other, and the depth of our love.
What the research says
Dr. Edward Tronick, a world-class researcher and educator, conducted the still-face experiment. First, he asked mothers to engage playfully with their infants, cooing, smiling, and sending love signals.
When the mothers were asked to turn these signals off, the babies protested with arched backs, shrill squeals, cries of frustration, and arms stretched out, as if to say, “Where are you? Where did you go? Come back!”
When the mothers re-engaged emotionally, the babies quickly rebounded back into joy and reassurance.
We are more mature than babies, of course, but we still crave connection and want our loved ones to be curious about us too.
Watch out for distractions
Curiosity fuels connection, but life can get in the way sometimes.
“How was your day?” your partner might ask, stirring the pasta sauce, checking the phone, then glancing to see you race by, responding “fine.” Just like the babies in the experiment, our relationships can handle some of this, but they cannot handle a lot.
We are wired for connection. If distracted interactions persist, the relationship is vulnerable to disconnection. When this happens, the curiosity of another is like a magnet. We are drawn to those who show interest in us. When curiosity is turned off, so is connection, and this can be fatal to a relationship.
How curiosity fuels connection
Imagine the coming-home scenario again. Your partner turns off the stove and meets your eyes with, “How was your day?”
“I feel agitated and upset, but I’m not sure why,” you respond.
“Dinner can wait,” says your partner. “Let’s talk about it.”
How would that make you feel? Loved and cared for? More connected to your partner?
Not only do you feel more loved, but your partner also benefits. When we slow down and ask truly curious questions, our own self-awareness expands. We have a better understanding of who we are as individuals and as a couple. Just like babies, we discover who we are through the eyes of our loved ones.
Put it into practice
Remember those babies who craved their mothers’ attention? Even though no longer a baby, your partner still needs your attention and curiosity.
Next time your loved one asks about your day, respond truthfully. How was your day, really?
Next time you ask your partner “how are you?” use this question as an opener, not an end point. Probe. Show interest. Engage. Be curious.
