Device Down, Eye Contact Made, Now Share 

“One of the most uncomfortable moments in couples therapy was when the therapist told us to turn towards each other, hold hands, make eye contact, and tell each other what we appreciated about one another. We scooted closer on the couch, grabbed hands, looked up, caught each other’s gaze, and busted out laughing…we couldn’t stop. Five minutes went by and we realized the giggles were because it felt really foreign and uncomfortable to us. We hardly ever stopped to share like this. With four kids, a dog, a house, and two careers, life was too busy. This therapist taught us a lesson. Stop, look, say, and listen.” 

-Direct quote from a partner in couples therapy with Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 

What the research says 

Most people check their phones up to 63 times daily, and Americans spend an average of 5.4 hours on their phones each day. Research has found that people can feel stressed when their partner focuses on their cell phone instead of each other. When cell phones get in the way of couples feeling close and trusting, the relationship can suffer. 

Use “Stop, Look, Listen, Say” to boost appreciation 

As the couple in therapy found, Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings’ “Stop, Look, Listen, Say” method might cause some discomfort, but it’s a helpful tool in getting us to focus on each other. Here’s how it works: 

STOP: Stop and face each other. Put your devices down and be completely in the moment. Rid the space and your minds of any distractions. 

LOOK: Make eye contact. Look into your partner’s eyes. Focus on their face. Watch their emotions. Watch for feelings in their facial expressions. 

LISTEN: Put your listening ears on. Listen actively. Focus on their words, their face, and their emotions.  

SAY (or DO): After your partner shares, repeat back what you heard. For example, “What I hear you saying is XYZ.” Then check in with your partner to see if you got it right. Tell them you appreciate their sharing. 

The bottom line 

Putting your device down, connecting, and really listening makes our partner feel cherished, honored, treasured, and special. When you let your partner know why you appreciate them, you are expressing how much they mean to you. Prioritizing your partner over electronics makes them feel special and strengthens your relationship.