Creating a Culture of Appreciation
Il mele catta più mosche, che non fà l'aceto.
-- Italian proverb, 1666
Decades later Ben Franklin rephrased it as “Tart words make no friends: spoonful of honey will catch more flies than gallon of vinegar.” In other words, you win people over when you are polite and kind rather than harsh and demanding. When you are kind and appreciative of your partner, you promote a culture of appreciation in your relationship.
Why it matters
Wanting to feel cherished, valued, and appreciated is healthy. A culture of mutual appreciation is key to creating and maintaining a successful relationship. Here’s why:
Life without appreciation:
The relationship suffers. You might feel like nothing you say or do pleases your partner.
You may feel unseen and unheard, and maybe even unloved.
You might begin to think you are the only one trying to preserve the relationship or your partner wouldn't miss you if you were gone.
You might build up resentments, which can be a death sentence for a long-term relationship.
Life with appreciation:
The relationship will flourish. Both of you will feel seen, heard, and cherished.
You will both know you matter to each other.
You will know that you are both committed to the same thing: your relationship.
You steer clear of building up resentments and focus on the positives each person brings to the table.
If hurt feelings are expressed, they will be balanced with evidence of appreciation. This balance is key in healthy relationships. It's vital to keep a balance between what you appreciate about your partner and your complaints.
Putting this into practice
Each day, write in a journal what you appreciate about your partner. Make a list of things they do for you, the way they talk, things they say, how they operate in the world, and how they support you. Prime your brain to focus on what you appreciate.
Then, use this list to figure out ways to demonstrate this appreciation in your words, actions, gift giving, and physical touch. Think about how your partner would like to receive appreciation and make some notes on how to do it.
As Nike would say, just do it. SHOW your appreciation. This will start a culture of appreciation and your partner might copy your behavior and show you appreciation too (without you even saying anything). If your partner doesn't follow suit, ask them to do the journaling exercise to write down what they see and encourage them to start appreciating you.
Enjoy the culture of appreciation you have created. Two chefs in a kitchen with a fabulous honey-filled souffle!
