Three Steps to Ask for More Appreciation 

Jelani loves being a stay-at-home dad. He takes exceptional care of his two kids, makes dinner each night, and takes care of everything needed around the house. But he doesn’t feel appreciated by his career-focused partner Kenya.  

Feeling undervalued can lead to relationship trouble. Asking for appreciation requires being vulnerable (another one of the seven love skills), but it can help you get what you deserve. 

Here are three steps anyone can follow to feel more appreciated: 

Find a good time to approach your partner 

Find a convenient time to speak in a respectful, calm manner. Use “I” statements as much as possible to express how you feel.  

Your partner may not be aware how you are feeling. They also might be coping with something in their own life that has kept them from showing appreciation. Tell them how you feel.  

Give examples of behaviors that could make you feel more appreciated. Suggest to them what TO DO, not just what not to do. Try saying “I need to know you appreciate me. This is how you can show me.” 

Consider the role you play in feeling underappreciated 

Step back with an objective eye. Does your partner ever appreciate you? Are you missing the signs of appreciation? Are you focusing too much on the negative?  

See if your feelings change when you focus on the positive. Does the appreciation they do show you make you feel differently? Do you need to reframe the appreciation exchange between the two of you?  

Give your partner affirmations when they do appreciate you. Tell them they make you feel good. Say “thank you” to reinforce their behavior. It’s good to show appreciation to someone when they are showing you appreciation. That can be the start of a beautiful cycle of appreciation reciprocation! 

If needed, seek expert help 

Chronically feeling disappointed in your relationship is not healthy for you, your partner, or the relationship. It is likely to lead to resentment and anger. Talking about your feelings sooner rather than later is important.  

If talking to your partner isn’t helping or you need some help with the conversation, seek individual or couples counseling to get expert advice on how to get what you need from each other.