“Darling, I want you to thank you for all the effort you put into helping Chase with his school project. He was so proud of it. I really appreciate you for that!”
Who doesn’t like to be thanked for anything we’ve done to bring comfort, joy, convenience, or pleasure to people around us, particularly to those we love? Dang, does it ever make a difference when we feel appreciated.
This phenomenon of feeling uplifted by appreciation is positive reinforcement. Positive reinforcement encourages people to do more of what we want them to do. You’re also investing in your relationship like buying mutual funds. The interest is a sure bet.
What the research says
Researcher Dr. Susan Johnson has studied the science of love for 30 years. She tells us that how well we express appreciation to our partner is just as important as how often we are thankful.
What if, instead of shouting a simple thank you as you dart out the door, coffee in hand, you shared with your partner how much it meant to you?
“I really appreciated your thoughtfulness in sending me out the door with coffee this morning. I was completely preoccupied and was grateful to enjoy my coffee on the way to work.”
Not only did you tell your partner you appreciated their gesture, but you also asked for forgiveness (an act of accountability, another love skill) and told them why you appreciated the gesture. Congratulations! You just landed a Relationship Triple Axel!
By being so specific, so vivid, you invited your partner to spend more time with you in their mind! Your partner can now visualize us enjoying our coffee – and thinking warm thoughts of them! – as we drove to work.
This way of conveying gratitude builds strong, healthy bonds that will continue to pay dividends over and over.
Watch out for complacency
When you’ve been together for a long time, it can be easy to fall into criticism and complacency. Your partner is not as perfect as you thought they were. You notice the towel left on the floor more than the fact your partner made you coffee in the morning.
We all want to know we matter to those who matter most to us. When we lose sight of sharing our appreciation of our partner, for what they do, and who they are, we risk our relationship’s future.
If you feel unvalued, you must speak up. But feeling hurt doesn’t give us permission to be mean, rude, or sarcastic. Having hurt feelings is an opportunity to repair.
If you’re feeling complacency or criticism in your relationship, you can turn it around with a gratitude practice. Show your partner you notice what they do, who they are, and the many ways they are special to you.
Put it into practice
Next time your loved one shows care and consideration, shine a light on what made it special and how it made you feel special.
And, when your partner notices and shares an expression of gratitude with you, hold eye contact, breathe, take it in, and let it illuminate your smile and soul, knowing you are putting money in your relationship mutual fund for times of stress and storm, and nurturing the kind of bond that lasts a lifetime.
