When tempers are flying or feelings are hurt, it can be hard to be accountable for your words or actions. Have these types of exchanges ever happened in your relationship?
Partner A: When you said __________, it hurt my feelings/embarrassed me in front of others.
In the first scenario, Partner A is making what Dr. John Gottman calls a repair attempt, “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”
The key is for Partner B to not to respond defensively like this:
Partner B: But you said ____________, which made me angry.
What researchers advise
All couples argue or hurt each other’s feelings at times. Fortunately, the Gottman Institute, which uses a research-based approach to relationships, has developed a valuable tool for accountability. The Repair Checklist can guide accountability conversations, with a helpful list of phrases categorized under "I feel," "Sorry," “Get to Yes,” and other strategies to repair conflict.
Using the Repair Checklist as a guide, Partner B can respond, “I really blew that one. I’m sorry. I was feeling upset when you said _______, but I was out of line.”
Key takeaways
Forgiveness and reconciliation are much more likely when one partner can express their dissatisfaction and the other partner apologizes without getting defensive.
If Partner B does not respond in a repairing way, Partner A can say, “Just listen to me now and try to understand,” or “This is important to me. Please listen.”
Powerful words for repair and reconciliation
The Repair Checklist also contains phrases for de-escalating angry conflicts, such as “let’s take a break,” “Please be gentler with me,” and “I might be wrong here.”
Here are some other helpful phrases from the Repair Checklist:
That hurt my feelings.
I feel blamed. Can you rephrase that?
I’m feeling unappreciated.
Please don’t withdraw.
Let me try again.
I can see my part in all this.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
I agree with part of what you’re saying.
Let’s agree to include both our views in a solution.
Please help me calm down.
Please be quiet and listen to me.
I might be wrong here.
Dr. Gottman’s research has found that couples who are unable to consistently repair their conflicts are less likely to be happy. When you approach conflict like a win-lose situation, your relationship will lose.
Using the Repair Checklist to guide your conflicts will help prevent you from shaming and blaming.
Dr. Brene Brown says, “Shaming and blaming without accountability is toxic…we can be compassionate and accepting while we hold people accountable for their behaviors…in fact, it’s the best way to do it. We can confront someone about their behavior, or fire someone, or fail a student, or discipline a child without berating them or putting them down. The key is to separate people from their behaviors—to address what they’re doing, not who they are.”
You can help your relationship win by being accountable to your partner and repairing conflict in a constructive way.
