“I asked you to take the garbage out before you left this morning, and you didn’t do it. Now we missed our garbage pickup for another week! Our garbage will overflow!”
When your partner gets upset with something you have done—or failed to do—do you know how to take responsibility?
A major factor in being accountable is apologizing the right way. Accountability means accepting responsibility for the impact your words and actions have on others. Yes, we know it’s hard! But our ability to rise to the occasion can make or break our relationships.
What the research says
One of our favorite relationship scientists and therapists, Dr. John Gottman, has found in his research that couples who apologize to each other and move on from negative emotional events create stronger relationships. Couples can put hurt and shame behind them and return to feeling emotionally connected. Drs Julie and John Gottman write: “one person’s response will literally change the brain waves of the other person.”
How not to mess up when you apologize
Don’t say “if.” Never say “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” That is gaslighting. Take out the if and you’ll do better.
Don’t say “but,” as in “Sorry, but I was in a hurry.” You are making excuses for yourself instead of being accountable.
Avoid arguing. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings and make things right.
Don’t let wounds poison your love. Don’t let your pride cause you to hold on to being “right.” Taking responsibility will allow you to let go of resentment so you can improve your relationship.
How to apologize and mean it
Say “I am sorry” and “I was wrong.” Be specific about what you did to hurt, humiliate, or embarrass your partner.
Keep going after sorry. Explain how it happened and what you’ll do to fix things. Explain how you plan to repair the situation (if possible). For example, you could offer to take the garbage to the dump.
Explain your words or actions without making excuses or placing blame. Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements. For instance, “I forgot to take out the garbage because my boss called and told me to come to the office right away. I am very sorry for forgetting.”
Ask your partner to grant you forgiveness. Be specific about what needs to be forgiven and ask for forgiveness when you don’t have any distractions around.
How to ask for an apology
If you are the one seeking accountability, raise your concerns skillfully so they can respond skillfully. We know from research that how a conversation begins can predict how it is going to end. If you use a harsh tone or critical approach, it will be harder for your partner to respond well.
When you raise your concerns, do so gently. Avoid words like “always” and “never” and share how you’re feeling about a particular situation. If you’ve contributed to a misunderstanding or poor outcome, acknowledge your part.
Takeaways
Taking accountability and granting forgiveness will strengthen your relationship. Dr. Cheryl Fraser of the Gottman Institute calls it the “mindful apology”: she teaches couples to apologize, forgive, and begin again. We all make mistakes. When you apologize and mean it, you can keep your relationship out of the garbage!
