“Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out.
Honestly I wanna see you be brave.” –Sara Bareilles
A few years into their relationship, Charlie revealed a dream to the love of his life, Angel. Charlie dreamed of leaving his accounting career behind to become a nurse. Sharing this dream felt scary and risky, because he had a well-paying job. Charlie also felt sheepish because of the stigma around men becoming nurses. After he got it off his chest, though, he felt so much closer to Angel, who responded supportively.
You need to be brave to be vulnerable
If Charlie knew Angel would support his idea for a career change, he would have shared it without any doubts. But he was anxious because he didn’t know how Angel would respond. Being vulnerable requires courage, but as Sara Bareilles sang, your partner wants you to be brave and vulnerable.
Vulnerability is hard, and it feels risky. But, in relationships as in business, without risk there is no reward, so we don’t get to skip this decision if our goal is a happy and healthy relationship.
If sharing part of yourself feels risky, you’re at vulnerability’s doorstep. The next step - the hard part - is walking through that door.
What the research says
Dr. Brené Brown says “vulnerability is our most accurate way to measure courage, and we literally do that as researchers. We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you're willing to be."
Real vulnerability feels big and important…it can feel like stepping onto the high wire without a net! When you’re in love, you want to share yourself fully with your partner. When you’re vulnerable, you’re bringing your authentic self to the relationship. You’re willing to step out onto the wire and risk falling to fully be yourself. You’re also trusting that your partner will have a net to catch you if you fall.
Key takeaways
Vulnerability depends on each of the other six Love Skills: appreciation, curiosity, support, affection, quality time, and accountability. Charlie needed to feel confident enough in his relationship with Angel to communicate his thoughts openly and honestly, while handling the discomfort involved with vulnerability.
Putting it into practice
This week, think about something you have not shared with your partner. Maybe it’s your bucket list, a new skill you want to learn, or a guilty pleasure you want to indulge. Start small and work up to the big stuff!
Find a quiet moment when you can share and be open. Give your partner time to sit with the information. And then ask your partner to share something with you. Your partner might be confused or surprised with this new information. Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable requires courage for both partners. Creating a safe space for vulnerability is a labor of love.
Go ahead, be brave! You can do it -- we have faith in you!
