“We are a team. We look at each other as a team. I never think he’s against me, even when he’s arguing with me. I know his heart. I know he supports me.”
—Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, married 8 years
Think about the way the greatest sports teams huddle during timeouts. Or how members of the same military unit stay tightly connected years after their shared active duty. This is what we should strive for as a couple. You are your partner’s best teammate.
What the research says
We are better together. When you feel supported, you are healthier emotionally and physically. Studies show you’re more likely to thrive, survive cancer, recover from heart disease, and feel happier. And when you’re in love, you’re less likely to get stressed, distressed, or sick!
If we feel support and trust in our relationship, we have a “safe haven,” a term coined by John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory. Couples therapist Dr. Gina Senarighi explains it this way:
“A safe haven means we are confident our partner cares about our safety and well-being, they respond when we are distressed…and are a source of physical and emotional support and comfort. Similarly, when our partners are in need, we become a source of warmth, calm, and support for them.”
Key takeaways
Support is important at all times, but it’s critical when times are bad. When we support our partners when they need it most, they have a safe haven. They know we’re on their team.
Dr. Senarighi suggests these ways to be a safe haven:
Giving and receiving emotional support
Giving your complete attention to your partner
Remembering events and milestones that matter to your partner
Sharing appreciation and gratitude openly
Cultivating quality time without distractions
Asking follow-up questions about your partner’s feelings, needs, concerns, and hopes
Keeping track of each other’s general well-being
Helping with practical things when your partner is sick, tired, or overwhelmed
Letting your partner know why they matter to you
What to watch out for
It can be hard to offer support when you are feeling tired or disconnected. If this is the case, ease into a conversation. Sometimes a few minutes of quiet time can be helpful when you come home from work. Debrief your day, inviting your partner to understand what you’re dealing with. Hold hands and prioritize connecting. Be your partner’s safe haven and ask them to be yours.
Putting it into practice
Take a moment to think about your partner now. Dim the sounds and sights around you and focus your attention on how you feel with them. Be comforted by the warmth they bring to your body.
Now consider doing the same during a time of need. Next time you are preparing for a presentation, a medical appointment, or a difficult conversation, ease your tension with your partner’s support. Sink into their safe haven.
The stronger our bonds, the more we carry our loved ones with us throughout the day…and the easier our lives will be, knowing we have a safe haven to shelter us from life’s storms.
