Appreciation: Sacrifice Expectations
Did you know? Sacrifice is normal in a relationship, but just how much sacrifice is expected varies. A model published in 2019 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (link) offers strong evidence that the extent to which your partner believes that “sacrifices are necessary, normal, and expected in relationships” predicts his or her expression of appreciation for the sacrifices you make. Partners with low sacrifice expectations show appreciation more often than partners with high sacrifice expectations.
Why does this matter? Learning about your and your partner’s sacrifice expectations will help both of you recognize potential blind spots in what you show appreciation for, and what you might take for granted if your sacrifice expectations are high.
This lab: Ask each other the following questions about sacrifice expectations. Listen to and discuss each of your responses. At the end of the exercise, see if you can figure out the sacrifice expectation level each of you have, and discuss how you could incorporate this knowledge into your relationship.
How far (in miles, or minutes) would you feel comfortable asking me to drive to pick up a prescription for you? How much appreciation would you show me, and why?
You dislike the smell of a certain food that I grew up eating and enjoy a great deal. Am I expected to avoid eating it around you? Why or why not?
Your brother’s wife has hurt my feelings on multiple occasions and seems oblivious. You and your brother are close and like to socialize at our house most weekends. She usually joins, which often means I need to interact with her. What do you expect of me and why?
A sporting event I really care about is taking place exactly when your parents are arriving for a week-long visit. Would you ask me to go to the airport to pick them up if it meant I missed the game? Why or why not?
One last thing: Even if you feel it is no big deal to ask your partner to make an hour-long roundtrip to pick up a prescription for you, showing them appreciation if you know it will mean a lot to them is what a loving partner does. Try it and see!
