Three Ways to Prevent Technology From Torpedoing Your Relationship
Audrey and Phil live thousands of miles apart and only get to see each other one weekend a month. They stay in touch every day with video chats and texts, and they’ve started using the Our.Love app to stay close to each other. Technology has been a real boon for relationships, but it can also be a big obstacle. It all depends on the way you use it.
Utah State University assistant professor David Schramm has conducted research about how technology interferes with relationships. He found that:
62% of people consider technology to be a big problem in their family, and 45% consider technology to be a big problem in their marriage.
More than one-third of adults use technology in bed every night or almost every night, while 43% said that about their partner.
Nearly 25% feel like their partner’s use of technology in bed interferes with their sexual relationship.
55% feel like their partner spends too much time on their cell phone, and 48% wish their partner would spend less time on their cell phone and more time with their children.
53% believe they are on their phone too much, while 59% believe their partner is on it too much.
“The overall survey results show that higher levels of technology use…adds up to significantly less time spent together as a couple, less satisfaction and connection, and higher levels of depression and anxiety,” said Dr. Schramm.
Here are three ways to prevent technology from torpedoing your relationship:
Be intentional about how you use technology. Talk about it.
Discuss how you can use technology in a more positive way. Are you sending each other loving or sexy texts or emails throughout the day? Praising or appreciating your partner publicly on social media (if that’s what they like)? Using apps to keep yourselves organized and focused on the things that matter? Discuss the ways technology is helping or hindering your relationship.
Establish no-technology places and times.
Consider having one no-screens evening a week. If you have kids, involve them too. It’s a great way to rediscover the joy of being together.
Date nights should definitely be a phones-down event, unless you need to use your phone to look something up or do something together.
Also think about ground rules for where technology can get in the way of real conversations and interactions, like the dinner table or the bedroom. Consider establishing a “no phones at the dinner table” rule and a “no phones in bed” rule.
Avoid using technology as a substitute for face-to-face discussions.
Are you discussing things over text that should really be handled face to face? Technology can be a crutch to avoid discussing difficult topics, and it can interfere with your ability to engage with your partner about the things that matter. It’s far easier to avoid answering a text or email or walk away from a difficult conversation when it’s on the computer or phone. In addition, you can’t sense people’s emotions or intentions in the written words, and it’s easy to misunderstand each other.
If you have something important, difficult, or sensitive to discuss, always do it face to face.
When technology becomes a big problem
As with most things, moderating your use of technology is key. Addictions to the internet, gaming, or porn can have a huge impact on your relationships.
It’s estimated that 31 percent of Americans are online almost constantly, and about 200,000 Americans are classified as “porn addicts.” According to National Coalition for the Protection of Children & Families, 47% of American families reported that pornography is a problem in their home, and pornography use increases marital infidelity by more than 300%. Spending excessive time online can hinder one’s ability to develop positive in-person relationships.
These addictions can often be coupled with mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, binge-eating, and obsessive-compulsive or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder.
Bottom line: if you or your partner is addicted to the internet, gaming, or porn, get professional help. Your relationship will benefit in the long run!
