Appreciation isn’t just saying “thank you”
Ali showers his partner Shirin with gifts…flowers, candy, and accessories. But Shirin would rather he tell her how much he appreciates her. She prefers genuine compliments and handwritten cards over gifts. Ali loves to get gifts. They don’t speak the same love language, but that’s okay!
What feels good to you may not float the boat of your partner. We each like to receive appreciation in different ways.
What the research says
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts in 1995. The book might be dated now and was geared for cisgender, heterosexual married couples. But the theory of love languages is valuable and has been studied and reinforced extensively over the years in academic research.
Putting it into practice
You don’t need to read the book. Instead, take the Love Language Quiz to find out your own love language, and have your partner do the same. Here are some easy ways to speak your partner’s love language:
Acts of service: Actions speak louder than words. Do things for your partner, be supportive, and ask how you can help.
Receiving gifts: Show your love by giving your partner presents – the more unique and thoughtful, the better. Do they collect miniature elephants? Do they enjoy getting jewelry?
Quality time: Plan time to spend together, just the two of you, and make sure to limit distractions and give your partner your full attention.
Words of affirmation: Use words to compliment, encourage, and show support aloud and in person, on the phone, or even in an email or text.
Physical touch: Touching can be a hug, a hand hold, or more intimate touch. Show your appreciation through body-to-body contact. How about a back rub?
Share how you like to be appreciated
Tell your partner how you like to be shown love and appreciation. “My love language is XYZ…when you show me your love that way, I feel appreciated and closer to you.”
When your partner shows you appreciation in ways that you like, tell them you like to be appreciated in just that right way.
Let’s do this!
Couples who go the extra mile to understand each other’s unique modes of receiving appreciation feel closer. Appreciation promotes intimacy and fosters more positive interactions in your relationship.
